My lovely Billy,
How are you, sweetheart? Is everything all right?
I know you told me not to write, but here I am. I had to know how you were. I had to make sure everything was going well and that you still have a smile on your lips. Or do you? Your last letter broke my heart. Are you crying, love? Has someone hurt you?
I swear I would do anything for you; I’d go after the bastar d who hurt you. Is it someone I know?
Or...could it be me?
Billy, if I did anything to hurt you... Hell, I wouldn’t know what to do, love. I might have to throw myself off of the edge of the earth. I’d have failed; I’d never deserve you. Is that what’s happened? Have I hurt you, love?
Please tell me I haven’t. Tell me this is all a horrible dream and that you will write back.
No. I know you will. I find a letter in my mail every time. Why would this be different?
Why would it be different, Billy?
I have to tell you about my Saturday now... It isn’t interesting... But it takes my mind from other thoughts, I hope.
I woke up and started thinking about you. I imagined sitting next to you at the breakfast table, even though I was all alone, poking at a few eggs, not touching my glass of orange juice. I made coffee. It looked nice. I think you’re the kind of person who likes coffee in the morning, especially with your profession. I didn’t drink the coffee though. I wasn’t ready for it that morning.
I went to work early. I was in a good mood, I think, but I remember feeling a little uncomfortable about the cold. It’s so cold. I went past the river on the way to work. I imagine kissing you on that dock beside the canoe launch. The one by the reeds that you can sit out on and watch the stars. At least, I hope you can.
I got to work and sat down, trying to warm up. I was alone for a while, just thinking to myself. I thought you could make the building a lot warmer. We could listen to music there. I don’t know what kind of music you like to listen to, but I would have picked something soft. I didn’t listen to music while I waited, though. It’s not so much fun when you’re by yourself, you know.
So I watched out of the windows for a while, not doing work. Looking at my reflection sometimes, and outside at those walking by on the sidewalks other times. I wondered if you would suddenly step past my door. At least, I wanted that. I wanted to see you; know that you were feeling well. After a while, I couldn’t watch anymore, and laid my head on the desk.
I received your letter that afternoon. Dom brought it to work so I could read it right away. As usual, I was excited that you had written. Dom mentioned something about you having a rough day, and I was glad to know you’d still replied to me; maybe to come to me for help. I was going to write back with a thousand sweet things. I was so glad. I was...
I came home late from work. I don’t think I worked much. It was very cold.
I didn’t drop my coat in my chair when I got in. I hung on the coat rack. I thought you probably would rather have it that way. Or you might at least like to see that kind of thing from me. Even though...I know you didn’t see it. That’s all right.
I was up late, so I made cocoa. I know it sounds mad, but I thought you should know that I made a mug of cocoa for you, too...but you weren’t around to have it. I thought it would make you feel a little better. But I decided you were probably too tired to stay up anyway; you were probably asleep. I hope you slept well.
I think about you all the time.
Will you feel better, love? For a moment? Maybe I’ll feel it, too, and I’ll fall asleep with that feeling wrapped around me. And maybe you’ll sleep soundly in that same moment. Is Thomas is doing his job? Is he keeping you safe? He should pass on this message to you: my promise still holds. I’ll never stop caring about you, love. Never.
Nine more days, Billy. My Billy.